You manage a team of 10.
Diane works part-time, and Greg full-time.
Their roles are similar, and Greg has worked for you for significantly longer than Diane.
To date you have been happy with both of them when it comes to their performance and behaviour.
Recently however, Greg has been dropping the ball a bit; but you haven’t been unduly concerned, as it seemed that Di had stepped up to pick up some of the slack.
In the last couple of weeks though, you have noticed the odd tense conversation (or three) between them.
Yesterday you received a complaint from a client because Di had not responded to an urgent telephone call.
When you approached Di about this, she lost her shiz, initially yelling before bursting into tears. Whilst also managing to convey that it was actually Greg who was at fault, as the client was Greg’s responsibility.
Today you called both Greg and Di into a meeting, keen to understand what is going on between the two, and to help them work through whatever has caused them to be quarrelling.
During the meeting, at one point when Di started to raise her voice, Greg commented
“Ah, here she is. Our resident Drama Queen has finally arrived”.
Di was clearly furious at Greg’s comment, and the next thing you knew, the quarrel had escalated into a full on argument.
What should you do about this escalated quarrel?
We will never get along with absolutely everyone we work with, across the span of our working life.
Which is perfectly fine. We don’t have to be best friends with all our work mates.
Conflict aka quarrelling is a natural part of life, including working life, which means that from time to time the ‘not getting along with everyone we work with’ may turn into quarrelling and/or conflict.
And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Rather, conflict can in fact be a good thing – positive, respectful discussion and disagreement about the way you work, the products you offer, the service you deliver etc, can lead to innovation.
The ability to be able to respectfully disagree with colleagues is an essential ingredient of psychological safety. Want to know more about psychological safety – read our blog here.
However whilst some quarrels and conflict are good, once the conflict escalates beyond a certain level, then it becomes problematic.
This is no longer simply a ‘quarrel’, but an issue that is at risk of not only seriously impacting the two individuals embroiled in the conflict, but their teammates and manager as well.
As per our situation with Greg and Di.
Yeah but what can I do as their manager to defuse this situation?
The first thing to consider when discussing how to help resolve the issue between Di and Greg, is to determine what level of conflict they are experiencing.
There are five different levels of conflict, and they look like this:
- Discomfort
- Incident
- Misunderstanding
- Tensions
- Crisis
What do the different levels of conflict look like in practice?
I’m glad you asked, because here is the answer…
From the facts outlined above, it appears the conflict between Di and Greg is at crisis level. Or at the very least, misunderstanding or tension.
Either way, the conflict is one that is now negative / dangerous, and needs resolution. Pronto.
The next step is to consider what type of conflict it is between Di and Greg.
Conflict can be one of three different types:
Given the facts in our scenario, there is clearly task and process conflict at play, and possibly also relationship conflict.
As Di and Greg’s manager, now knowing what type of conflict it is, and at what level, what specifically could you do to both help defuse the situation AND help both parties be in a position so that they can continue to work successfully together?
Here are the steps you should take:
- Hold individual conversations
- Identify common ground (Mediated session)
- Identify and settle on solutions (Mediated session)
- Follow up
Individual conversations
The formal mediation session should be a joint session with both parties attending, but prior to the joint session, you should have individual conversations with both Di and Greg to hear their perspective on what has led to the escalated quarrel.
This means you need to understand where each party is coming from, and also need to hear what their individual needs and concerns are.
I recommend taking notes during these conversations that you can go back to after both individual sessions, to help you prepare for the next step.
Identify common ground
Once you understand a little more about these factors, then you should look to find any common ground between the parties.
Is there anything the parties agree on, or mutually want?
Are there common interests held?
Tip: there is always common ground you can find. Always. No matter how innocuous it may seem, the key is to identify it – and then share this with the parties, so that they can recognise that there is, in fact, common ground.
For this step, I recommend focusing on the positives where possible.
For example, a common ground for Greg & Di may be that they both hate conflict, and want to work out their issues, so they can put this behind them.
Identify and settle on solutions
Now you should hold a joint, formal mediation session with both Greg and Di attending.
At the start of the session provide both parties with a chance to succinctly state their position to the other. Encourage active listening and respectful behaviour.
Next, you should share with them the common ground you identified; and then you can start the process of helping the parties identify solutions for resolving their quarrel.
This may take some time, and I always recommend scheduling double the time for these sessions that you think will be required. Better to finish sooner than the allocated time and give everyone an early mark, than to have to cut a mediation session off right at the sticky point because you have to dash off to a different meeting.
Resist the temptation to direct Di and Greg as to solutions. I KNOW. It’s your job as a manager to find solutions. But trust me, it’s in everyone’s best interests that Di and Greg are the ones coming up with the solutions.
Because whilst you, as the manager of both parties, can and should actively facilitate a resolution, for it to be truly effective in the long term, the parties themselves need to resolve their issues so that they can ‘buy in’ and commit to the solutions moving forward.
I recommend putting the agreed solution in writing, that both parties have to sign, and which is then placed in their HR file.
This demonstrates the agreement is not to be taken lightly; and if either party deviates from it down the track, the agreement can be utilised for performance management.
Follow up
Facilitating mediation sessions between quarrelling team members is not easy. I would be the last person to suggest otherwise.
But don’t fall into the trap of sighing happily at the end of the meeting, brushing the dust off your pants and saying “Phew, that’s over and done with”; and then putting the issue away in your bottom drawer. Metaphorically or otherwise.
The issue(s) will not have magically disappeared during the mediation, no matter how skilled a mediator you may be.
As Di & Greg’s manager, you need to schedule a time in your calendar to follow up with both of them, separately. Initially a couple of weeks after this session, and then again at regular intervals such as monthly.
If during those sessions you learn that either or both parties don’t feel the issues have been resolved, or that new issues have developed…well then my friend, that’s probably when you need to give someone like me, your resident broken-culture fixer, a call.
Who you gunna call….
Clearly, there are issues with your current culture given this scenario has occurred.
Not just because one of your manager’s didn’t act soon enough to prevent a quarrel from escalating; but also because there are steps that should have been taken much earlier, so that Di did not have to take on someone else’s workload.
As well as conversations that should have been had with Greg, to find out why he has suddenly dropped the ball after being such a good performer for many years.
Ding ding. That’s the warning bell telling me these issues are signs of underlying problems in your culture that should be investigated in order to be addressed. Sooner rather than later. If you don’t want the issues to fester and spread, that is.
Need to chat? Here’s the link where you can book an obligation free time to do just that.